Carolina On My Mind

Today is the day. It’s currently December 9th, 2015 at 11:56 pm. Just made it.

Today is the day, I tell you. But you probably won’t hear about this until the summer.

This has been the worst year of my entire life. No exaggeration. I entered the year getting over a broken heart, that was continued by me being let go at a job for where they “didn’t think I had the personality to mesh with my other coworkers.” When I foolishly thought that might be the last of my struggles, my world came to a crashing halt in April, we’ll leave it at that.  Now I find myself counting down until January 1st hits and I leave 2015 the same way I entered it, heartbroken. 

In the words of Eric Church “I’m having a record year."

In February, I ran back to the YMCA where I had worked prior to being let go. It was incredibly embarrassing to already be back there just months after leaving them for “bigger and better things". I was so embarrassed that I tried to just stick to myself for the first couple weeks, which if you know me, that’s not me. I didn’t want anyone to question me. I had never failed on a level that bad in my entire life. 

I thought I’ve hit rock bottom in the past, but man did I really land face first in it this time. 

However, in rock bottom something began inside me, a fire was engulfed inside me. My peers couldn’t help me, most didn’t offer which was great because I couldn’t take someone telling me all the bullshit you’re supposed to hear. “You’re better off without her” “They don’t deserve you working for them” “You’re awesome and you know it, man.” It's all bullshit. It’s the bare minimum. It’s childish. That stuff works when you get dumped by your first girlfriend in middle school. It works when you get fired from Dairy Queen because you dropped someones food too many times. It doesn’t work when you’re a grown ass adult. 

I decided by myself one night that I was going to go to therapy. Mainly because I watched Good Will Hunting too many times and thought I would just immediately find my Robin Williams. My person who would change my entire life, tell me “I’m a scared shitless little kid” tell me “It’s not your fault” over and over again until I broke. I just needed someone to explain what I was feeling and to try and help me control my emotions because I couldn't anymore. They consumed me. They’d flow out of me like a dam broke. I stepped into therapy and it did absolutely nothing for me. I went to 4 sessions and lost a lot of money. I couldn't understand if this woman was telling me this stuff because it’s what she needed to tell me, or if it was a ploy to keep my cashcash flowing. Or maybe she even really meant this stuff. Everything she was telling me was everything I would battle myself on at 3am that morning while thoughts rifled through my head. I had no idea how to read this woman’s comments to me, it was like I was Leonardo Dicaprio in Inception just watching my top spin and waiting for it to cease. Waiting for myself to wake up and realize everything was okay. The top never ceased.

The funny thing is, the fact that everything wasn’t okay eventually led me to the biggest decision of my life. This decision. 

I lost who I was, I wasn’t happy with anything, I pushed everyone away. I went to work and I decided I was going to prove everybody wrong which quickly became my motto from there on out. I was out to prove every single person that had ever known me, heard of me, seen me, doubted me, wrong. 

I worked my goddamn ass off. Day in, day out, as many hours as they’d let me. Project after project being completed until it eventually grabbed the attention of my boss, my director, and people at the corporate offices. I was on the fast track to success, I was shaking all the right hands and attending all the right meetings, dinners, conference calls, everything I was supposed to do. 

For the first time in my life I felt proud of what I had become because I did it for myself, by myself.

Newsletter after newsletter being spewed out like a machine, flyers, signs, emails, phone calls, everything was going my way, I couldn't be stopped. No one and I mean NO ONE expected a kid who had never stepped foot in a college class to be able to pick up and run with this type of quality work this quickly.

Summer came and I worked two positions at one time. Part time aquatics director, part time front office staff. I'd come in from teaching lessons in the morning and immediately jump onto the computer. I’d each lunch while making the perfect newsletter and then when the work day was over I’d speed to my baseball team’s game or practice. If I was lucky enough to get to a few of my softball games here and there, I’d do that as well. I was doing more than I had to but that’s how you succeed. 

But then it hit me. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but it happened. I was no longer working for me. I was no longer working to prove people wrong. I was no longer living for myself. I got content and I was just doing what was asked of me. I never complained once, I gave everything I had and that was my problem. All my life I’ve been giving. Whether it was in sports, or work or most definitely relationships, I give until I have nothing left and then when everything goes to shit, I’m drained. I have nothing left in me. The person, sport, work place leaves my life with everything I put into it and I’m left to rebuild time after time. 

I’ve lived my entire life in Hamden. I was born in Ansonia but at the age of one, you don’t retain any of those memories so all I’ve ever known is Hamden and this little white house on Willard St. It’s the only house I’ve ever called home. It’s the only place I wanted to be in for all these years. It was my safe haven. I’ve met so many people of all ages in this town, I’ve met the greatest of people, I’ve met the worst of people, I’ve met people who know everything about me, and I’ve met people who don’t even know a lick about me, but if you ask them they’ll tell you “everything you need to know about me”. 

This year I’ve realized that I’ve outgrown my roots, I’ve outgrown these restaurants and bars and schools and jobs. I’ve given you everything I've had, Hamden. Every ounce of everything and anything I could give you. I’m drained now. It’s time for me to rebuild. It’s my turn. 

I'm ready to prove everyone wrong again. 

On August 21st, I will be leaving Hamden for a new adventure. This won’t be my first time leaving Hamden, for I have left for vacations and road trips and getaways and all that great stuff. But this is not one of those times. I will not be returning after a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months. This adventure involves a new job, a new home, and eventually, my first footsteps into a college class.

On that sunday in August, I start over fresh, and I start the rest of my life. I begin again.  

                                                           On to South Carolina. 

I've seen

  The good thing about staying up so late is that once it hits midnight, my brain just goes off on tangents about stuff all over the place. Trips, girls, sports, quotes, what certain foods smell like, what cats in pajamas would look like, everything. I’m now 17 days away from my 21st birthday and tonight’s tangent is about all the things I’ve seen, done, and have had happen to me. From my first awesome memories to the most recent ones that I’ll remember forever. If I tried to rank them, I’d lose years off of my life. So let’s just start from the beginning.

  Family first.

  I saw two sisters pave the way to make life easier for the baby prince. From sitting with me on the bus to prevent me from getting bullied, to making it easier for me to get a tattoo by enduring all the anger and disappointment from my parents after getting hers. Critiquing me on how to dress and showing me what music was cool, what hair style looked good, and where to take girls on future dates. The Pioneers. 

  I saw a Dad who showed me the ropes on every sport known to man. Whistling Nerf footballs flying over the pool or the sweet, sweet POP that the rawhide makes when it hits a leather glove. Planes, trains, and automobiles to various places ranging from Pittsburgh to Florida. A guaranteed fan at every sporting event I have ever competed in whether it was a 9am baseball game in the fall or a 7pm swim meet in Amity (Amity feared me). From stealing hats to wear in elementary school, to borrowing dress shoes to wear for my High school graduation. I’ve never seen him not lending a hand. The role model. 

  Lastly, I saw a beautiful women who took every challenge ever given to her and make it her bitch. She was presented with a baby girl and immediately thrown into the fire of becoming a parent.(I didn’t see that) The learning process is hard but when it’s all said and done, it’s worth it. Four years later deja vu hit, another baby girl.(I also didn’t witness that.) One wasn’t hard enough so here’s another one, hope you saved some hand me downs! Three years later she was faced with yet another challenge. Two girls? That’s too easy, here’s a 10lb 11oz behemoth of a boy!(Technically I saw this) Let’s see how she fairs with this... and she won yet another challenge. Not a single day without dinner on the table or a freshly made bed in all 3 rooms. She’s seen our glory, our heartbreaks, our rage, and she’s never failed to get us past it. Ever. The unsung hero.  

  I’ve seen people I thought I’d never like, become my best friends and I’ve seen people I shared everything about myself with, become exiled. 

  I’ve seen a baseball team filled with misfits catch fire and roll through the playoffs only to lose in the championship. I saw a team who couldn’t be touched in middle school, crash and burn right in front of the finish line. I witnessed a team realize they were special after their first practice, make sure every other team was contempt with fighting for the runner up trophy. I’ve seen a team of sixteen year olds upset the best team in the league and hand them their first loss of the season in the playoffs, in my first year ever as a coach.

 I’ve seen a ball get thrown to me and then quickly leave my hand in preparation for a tag that would eventually lead to a 4-3-2 triple play. I’ve seen a ball leave my hand from the outfield and beat a runner to home plate to win a game. I would have traded either of those to witness a ball go off my bat and over the fence. I’ve seen 8 batters on the state’s best team consecutively walk back to the bench due to a shitty fastball. I’ve also seen a final list of players not bear my name, three times. Each time the pain was worse than before. 

 I’ve seen a kid taken in by a team of mostly strangers, welcomed with open arms to a brotherhood for a sport he had never competed in before. I’ve also seen my fellow teammates and coaches shocked by a kid placing first in races he wasn’t even favored in, and then sat back and laughed at their confusion when they realized he did it with his eyes closed because his goggles were filled with water. I’ve witnessed his heartbreak after swimming to a 4th place finish in his last ever race. I’ve seen blood and tears shed on multiple baseball fields, and even some pee in the pool.

 I’ve seen some of my favorite athletes just inches away from me. I’ve sat in seats where people witnessed history hundreds of years before me, and I’ve sat in a cold seat in September where I witnessed a base hit punched down the first base line give the New York Yankees a brand new all time hits leader. I’ve watched from two rows back in amazement as Tom Brady drove all the way down the field and won a game that just minutes before had flat lined. I’ve seen my favorite football player put his arm around me and make fun of my friend for shaking while we took a picture with him. I’ve sat with my Dad and watched a National Championship hockey game live. I’ve seen my face on the jumbotrons at Citizens Bank Ballpark, Camden Yards, both Yankee Stadiums and Madison Square Garden. I’ve sat in my room with a smirk on my face after listening to myself on the radio. I’ve seen some of the biggest names in country music and I sat front row for Kanye West. 

 I’ve seen girls come and go. 

 I’ve seen palm trees, cottons fields, and farms that could have fit at least 48 fields of dreams. I’ve seen a kid run away without warning to the West Coast just to explore what it’s like. I’ve seen the Space Needle even though I have an extreme fear of heights. I’ve seen the Pacific ocean and I’ve snorkeled in the Atlantic. I’ve seen the disgusted expressions of people when I told them I wouldn’t be attending college as well as the confused look on people when they hear I’ve done all off this without a license. I’ve seen two promotions in a profession I’d never dreamed about having. I’ve seen myself try and do right by others and I’ve witnessed as I’ve broken hearts and let people down with my idiocy. I’ve seen grudges and fights and friendships that were thought to be dead, be brought to life. I’ve seen stupid mistakes and incredible bravery. I’ve seen a friend who used to drive soldiers around, now drive six year olds around. I witnessed myself tweet my way into my first job as well as tweet myself into incredible friendships. I’ve seen every member of my family cry.

 I’ve witnessed weird stretch marks on my back, I’ve seen ink go into my arm as well as blood be taken out willingly. I’ve seen bruises surface out of nowhere and I’ve seen bones break. I’ve seen one USB hold twenty years of epilepsy tests on myself. I’ve seen results saying I’ve ranked in the top percentile of my grade for writing. I also saw myself flunk my journalism class the next year.  

 I’ve seen my sisters leave only to come back. (Probably due to the lack of their brothers jokes) I’ve seen my family own multiple cars and I’ve only ever hated one. I’ve seen friends say their first words to family members and I’ve seen them say their last words. I’ve seen some incredible people and I’ve only ever seen one house as my own. I’ve seen friends tie the knot, and I’ve seen others untangle that knot. I’ve seen pictures get hundreds of likes and followers go from 1 to 800. I’ve witnessed myself become and man and then quickly transform back into a child. I’ve seen quotes change the outlook on my life drastically and I’ve seen movies that have made me make decisions of a lifetime. But the best thing I have ever seen, is the look on my family’s face when I have made them proud. 

 It’s scary and beautiful to think about the fact that I have seen all of this stuff, and I’m still years away from the quarter mark of my life. I’m grateful. 

My Morning Coffee

  People are always shocked when they hear of the times that I go to bed every night. For those that don’t know, get your AED’s ready. I usually go to bed at an average time of 3 a.m. every night. Now I don't spend these nights just sitting there staring at the ceiling as I try and wander off into a dream world. I don't do this because I'm probably already in a dream world. My mind wanders like a stray finch and why would anyone want to fall asleep without knowing where something like that would land?

 When friends see me they’ll come up to me and ask “So, what time did you go to bed last night? or “Oh yeah that’s right you never sleep! What’s that like?” and when people find out for the first time they respond with... “What! Are you serious!? You’re not serious! I’m in bed for five hours by then!” That’s insane!” 

  To most, yes this is insane. But to me it’s normal. I’ve been doing it ever since I got into high school. I pulled my first all night-er when I was in 4th grade, it was the night before Valentines Day. There would be days where I’d go to school on two hours of sleep, if that. Was that smart? Absolutely not but I spent the night before watching YouTube videos on everything known to man. From cats to dancing, from video blogs to independent singing. Anything that came up in my head, I’d watch and it was in my system like a white blood cell.  People always ask me for a reason and I usually answer with “I stay up until my body tells me I can’t anymore.” It’s just easier than tossing and turning for an hour and just wasting time, something I HATE to do. But I think I’m finally starting to realize why I stay up so late, my brain functions better when the stars come up. Maybe it’s because everyone else’s brains are shut off for the night and the amount of thoughts have dwindled. For when this happens, my brain takes advantage. 

                           (Fun Fact: my last two blogs have been written or finished after midnight.)

   I’m always asked why I forget stuff a lot also. I have terrible short term memory, but if you ask me who stole the sniffy markers in kindergarten I know 100% that it was that boy, John Jaser and I’ll fight that to my grave! (For all of you who will now go on Facebook to find him, he’s not on there. Unfortunately) 

   But no, the reason my short term memory is so bad is because throughout the day millions of things pop in my head. That’s not an exaggeration. From frogs riding unicycles to wondering who J.D. Salinger idolized as a kid. So many things just rifle through my head and while I write this I’m thinking about how long it took Lupe Fiasco to write ’The show goes on’.

   My brain never stops and if I take a second to day dream it will turn into ten minutes of just staring and then a diminutive smile as I see a wombat run across a hard wood floor. I’m not normal and I like to flaunt that to everyone I meet, some see it and find it amusing, others see it as deranged and they shy from me, too bad. I absolutely love it and I find it hilarious how I work and if you ask me why I’m so crazy, I’ve probably already envisioned you eating spaghetti with a spoon. 

   But back to my point. The reason I stay up so late is because I love seeing what I can envision, what I can write, what I can find online to read about, what I can find that I’ve never been able to find before. It fascinates me. It’s challenges me and I wouldn’t want it any other way. When I woke up today, I had no clue I’d be writing another blog at midnight. On the way home from South Carolina, I had no idea I’d be writing that blog about college. However, like a rock hitting a windshield *BOOM*  it hits and cracks and my fingers move faster than Usain Bolt in a final heat. 

    If I sit in my bed and say “I’m going to write tonight.” I’ll end up writing short stories about my day and just inserting pictures of cats memes. But if I’m searching Spotify for new songs (Currently really into “The Format” check them out) or just surfing the web, then this happens. A long blog full of paragraphs that I try and get you to read more and more until you hit the final period. 

   My imagination as a kid was always wild and I would live for the words “Ok kids, today you have to write a creative story!” and by the time I was handed my paper, I’d have 4 complete story ideas. From start to finish. My biggest problem would be to choose just one at that time. I still love creating stories like that, and one of my favorite things to do to my friends is to tell them stories about myself that I know are incredibly erroneous but because of the detail I add in them, my friends are always stuck there wondering if the stories are true.

   This is my Red Bull, this is my morning coffee, this is the extra kick it takes to keep me up for a while. Nothing makes me happier than just sitting on my bed and just day dreaming until my body finally says "Okay, time to go. Same time tomorrow?"  The world is a much better place when you can step outside of it for a bit. 

   Now it's time for me to retreat back into the roaring seas of pillows and sheets because James Grahn and I are hitting the town tomorrow at 7am to de-leave people’s lawns. 

   It is now 2 a.m. and here is the final period. 

  

Spontaneity is beautiful

    You don’t go to College?

    Why Not? Everyone else does! 

    Well what are you going to do?

    You’re Twenty years old, you have got to have figured it out by now, right?

 Everyone else has! Oh you haven’t…well you better find out quick before it’s too late, you know, you’re already Twenty! Times a ticking! I've heard it from everyone. Relatives, Girls, Friends, people who have just met me. Everyone. 

 
 You know right from the start when something just isn't right for you as a person. I’m twenty. I love traveling, sports, Wombats, and most importantly I love writing. I don’t go to school and I work at the YMCA. Not the path that many opt for and not the path that I thought I would take. But I’m not complaining and not a day goes by where I think I took the wrong turn. I don't think I did any wrong in the selection of how I'd live my post high school life. Hell I'm still on the same pedestal as you College kids for now. So what do I have to worry? Nothing. If I died tomorrow a lot of people may say "Wow he really didn't do anything with his life. But the way I look at it, I've done a lot more than most people may have seen. I chose this way and I'm sticking to it. 

 Let's take a look at a made up schedule of "What I'm missing out on"

•  Monday: Class all day (Actually listening) & doing    

                           homework due last Thursday.

•  Tuesday: Class all day (Playing the helicopter game the whole class) &                               

                            doing your homework due tomorrow.

•  Wednesday: Class all day (Actually listening and being so confused) &  

                                 studying that turns into cat videos on YouTube all night.

    

•  Thursday:  No classes, screw homework…SHOTS!

•   Friday:  2 classes (Eh I’ll go to one, eh what’s another skip going to do?                            

                          DAY OFF!), still doing homework that was due Tuesday.

•  Saturday: Get absolutely shit bombed to drown out your terrible school      

                            week and sleep with someone you don’t know. 

     

•  Sunday: Wake up so hungover, next to a salt shaker and find out your                            

                          whole hand is stuck inside a Dubra handle. Attempt to finish
                          all your overdue work.

 That's not the life for me. I'm not one for tests. I write, I watch sports and I live day by day. 

                    

    The way I look at it, I’m living my retirement right now. Everyone goes to college to get a job, to work that job and get money so that by the time they are 65 they can quit their job and just sit on the couch and yell at their wife/husband if they still have one. What can you do then? You just studied and worked your entire life away to get to here…watching the Patriots play and eating a hot dog and LIVING THE LIFE! WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT! YEAH! And why do they do that? Because that's what they were told to do. That's what others instructed them to do. They followed somebody else on how to live their own life.

  

   No thanks, I’m good. If I’m going to work my whole life away, it can wait for now. I’m going to live my retirement now at the age of Twenty. Want to go to a Twins game at Yankee Stadium on a Tuesday night? I’m in. Want to go to South Carolina for Thanksgiving? I'm in. Hey, want to go to Oregon mid week and stay until Monday? Yeah, I do. I like the life I live, I like being able to control where and what I do, I don’t live by an extreme schedule. I don’t have to wake up everyday at a certain time to go into a classroom with a bunch of miserable people who don’t want to be there. Instead I go onto a bus everyday with a sixty-six year old Vietnam vet, I get to hear his stories about war, his family, how he feels about driving everywhere everyday and a ton of other tid bits and stories and I love it. Then I head to a school with a bunch of 5-11 year olds who eat snacks, draw and play capture the flag in the gym. They have no clue what the real world has in store for them, but then again, do any of us? Once Six p.m. comes I’m free. I have the whole night ahead of me for whatever I want to do. If I want to go home and sleep, it doesn’t screw anything up. If I want to go out, no one is stopping me. If I want to just play Xbox all night, I may do just so. 

 You see everyone goes around everyday like “Freedom!! Slavery is dead!!!” Yet you follow orders from people who are “higher up” about what you should do so that maybe if you’re lucky you can teach future kids the same concept. It’s just a never ending cycle of controlling. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no rebel nor am I advising you to be one. I follow rules and it’s right to follow rules, I just don’t believe you should follow someone else’s opinion on how you should prepare to live the rest of your life. But then again I guess that last sentence just contradicted this whole story/blog/whatever you want to call it. 

   

Now 90% of my friends go to College and they’ll go on to be Teachers and Physical Trainers and Nurses and all that good stuff and it will be awesome. It will be worth it to them when that time comes and they succeed and that’s great. But they know that’s where the road starts to wind down. You have seen your entire journey since the day you got that acceptance letter.

I was never one for following a syllabus, I think being spontaneous is the best thing you can be besides being funny. You never know what’s to come when you’re spontaneous. Go to a college party in a green spandex suit and 5 years later you’re still friends with the kids that live in that house. See an inflatable snowman and tackle it although you have a fractured wrist. Why? Because you just wanted to give your friends a good laugh. You see, spontaneity is beautiful thing because you can be on your way to a Yankee game, take a turn for no reason at all and find yourself looking at the Twin Towers on September 9th 2001. Spontaneous decisions are the stories you find yourself talking about for the rest of your life, so why not tally them up?

Now all of you in College may be reading this saying “Wow I can’t believe this whole thing, this so ignorant to say about my lifestyle!” and I’m saying the same exact thing.