The Statue

 I was 18 years old and didn’t have much knowledge to myself besides the fact that I could eat 31 chicken nuggets in one sitting and I probably shouldn’t drink the nasty vodka anymore because I watched the hibachi man clean the grill with it. I got invited to go to a minor league baseball game with my brand new co-workers and it was extremely nerve wracking because I knew a whopping two people going to it. 

 We all met at work to make the carpool easier, everyone filed into the YMCA bus and we were greeted by this man who had the aura of a marble statue. He was majestic in the way he just sat there, unbothered, yet everyone going by him lit up and all made little comments to where you could feel their happiness to see him. I didn’t know why at the time and I just said a quick hello and kept walking to my seat. 

 The game was awesome, I met a lot of new friends and I really broke out of my shell around the 6th inning. By the end of the game I was in full BR mode. My friends that I knew before this trip were now leading the pack back to the bus and I decided to give "The Statue" my foam finger that I got at the game. I don’t really know why I wanted to give it to him but I’m sure it was just to make people laugh. I’m happy I did give it away though because if I didn’t, what took place next...never would have happened. 

 The ride home was extremely rowdy, some of the older staff drank at the game, I didn’t, (18 years old) but my loud nature made you think otherwise. We got back to the YMCA and he slammed on the brakes, put the bus in park and stood up to mutter a line I have never forgotten since that day. It went like this “YOU GUYS (pointing at none other than yours truly) are the DRUNKEST IDIOTS I have EVER driven and I’m NEVER going to drive YOU GUYS ANYWHERE. EVER. AGAIN.

 ….well that went well. 

 Bet no one saw hundreds of bus rides coming in our future together. I sure didn’t, and I know damn well you had no intentions of it. But I’m very glad they did, because if I wasn’t fortunate enough to sit in that first seat all those days, I wouldn’t be the man I am today…and honestly, I don’t know if I’d even still be here today.

 Growing up I never got the chance at having a grandfather figure. My grandfather Louis (who my middle name honors) died months before I was born and my Grandfather James was barely around. So growing up, there was no wise, aged, figure. I had my Dad and he did wonders but theres just something special about that grandfather role. I found out how important that role would be shortly after that minor league baseball game.

 I’d be on your bus every school day for years to come. We talked sports, we talked politics (unfortunately), we talked girls, we talked life, but most importantly, we just talked. You gave me attention that I hadn’t really had over the years and as I got older, I realized I needed that attention and that banter more than anything. 

 I left one year to take a new job at a behavioral school, you wished me well and told me it was a terrible decision, that they would "eat me alive". You followed that up however by saying you were happy that I was taking a chance in the world and you were proud of me. That was something I didn’t really hear much, that someone was honestly, just simply proud of me. You’d call me on my way home from that job at least once a week. I’d tell you how it went, I’d tell you how I had finally got my license and you’d joke about staying off the roads and not having to pick me up at my house anymore. I would’ve stayed on that phone for hours if you’d let me. 

 That job didn’t work out (fortunately) and when I came back, I was greeted by the biggest “I TOLD YOU SO” grin on your face. I sheepishly just put my head down and sat down and didn’t talk for about a half hour. You could sense the disappointment protruding from me and you’d end up having one of those important talks that I had always lacked in life. A talk about taking chances, and coming back better and wiser. You spoke from experience, you’d tell me personal stories and I latched on to every single word, knowing it was coming exactly from the heart. 

 I’d work at the YMCA with you for a couple more years, asking you daily questions of wisdom and sharing them with my friends outside of work. That’s really when I started to realize how rare you were. My friends would rave about you, a man they had only heard about. For those lucky enough to meet you, they acted as if they met a celebrity, an urban legend, and I honestly don’t know how to portray you better than those two things. 

 A year and a half ago, after one of the hardest years of my life, I broke the news to you that I’d be moving 600+ miles to start a new adventure in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. You didn’t really speak to me that much that day and I was kind of glad because I didn’t know what else to say. I was upset and I could tell you were as well. I wouldn’t have been able to say much to you that day without getting emotional and I think we both realized that. 

 Eventually we had a conversation about it a day or two later. We talked about it the entire bus ride, even while the kids were on the bus. I told you my plan, my living arrangements, about my best friend,and yes, even SOFTBALL! You let me talk and talk and talk and I think it was because you could sense the excitement in my voice. You hadn’t see that happiness or excitement in me in months. You let it flow and you realized it was time for me to try to make something of myself. 

 It came quick, in a blink of an eye we were saying bye to each other and you were telling me to go through with this, don’t look back, and become a registered voter, whether I was a Republican or Democrat. We both knew which one you wanted me to choose. I’m sorry I didn’t call much when I was down there. I only did twice and I remember each one. One, right before the hurricane was going to hit (I’d later text you to let you know I was okay) and two, when I got that Timeshare job that I thought was going to CHANGE MY LIFE!!

 I’m glad I came back for this mini vacation, I’m glad I got to spend my final month with you and I’m glad I’m gonna be there today when we see you out. I know you’re not dying and I’m sure this sounds like a eulogy but you’re not getting rid of me that easy. You deserve all these words because you honestly are one of the greatest people I have ever been lucky enough to meet in life. You’ve played the role of best friend and Grandfather, I never once asked you to be that figure to me but you just somehow knew I needed it. You’ve been a best friend, you’ve met my family, a girlfriend or two and countless of new friends & old friends who’d all say the same thing “Now I see what you love about this guy.”

 You are a man among boys, you are a king among peasants and you are a marble statue that people would come from all over to see, if given the chance. Most importantly though, you’re my best friend. I wrote all of this and I still don’t feel like this is enough to encapsulate you, so I’m sorry if I left a lot of things out...like that time I told you we were lost in Boston when we were really just lost inside a tequila bar…I swear I was the fall guy for that. 

 Before I forget though. Remember earlier when I talked about why I didn’t understand everyone’s excitement when they were first stepping onto your bus, that day I met you?  

 I understand now.

 I love you. 

 -Ben

"Do you want to go home? We can go home right now if you want to."

Growing up, I didn't have a lot of friends so I relied a lot on my Dad and sports. We'd go in my backyard and shoot at my full size metal hockey net (My favorite christmas present) for hours. I logged more hours peppering the twine on that net than I ever did practicing any other sport and the funny thing is, I never played an organized hockey game until I was twenty years old.

But this story isn't about that. When I was 11-ish(?) I had been in a big pin bowling league in my town and I loved every second of it. My Mom used to bring me every single Sunday and at 10am I'd put on my shoes while my wonderful mother got me a hot dog and a drink, every single week. Couldn't beat the good ole breakfast dog.

My mom ended up switching jobs halfway through the season and had to start working on Sunday's. Fortunately for me, my Dad stepped up to the plate and started taking me and thank god he did because he would end up dropping a line on me (unintentionally) that stuck with me for the rest of my life.

I was a good bowler, (Nice humble brag) I had trophies and I'd touch scores like 150 occasionally and I wasn't even a teenager yet. I just always had a relatively easy time with muscle memory, arm swing, and follow through.

But one day, I just didn't have it mentally, I wasn't there and my Dad could see it in my eyes and in my body language. He let me struggle through the first of three games, probably thinking I'd snap out of it and I'd find my roll (Hey-o), but I never did. So midway through the second game, I'm struggling with a 40 through 6 frames, averaging about 6-7 pins per frame which is just not good enough. I wasn't having fun, I was wasting my time as well as my Dad's time without even realizing it. Let me clarify though, that's not why he said this next line. He didn't say it for him, he didn't say it selfishly, he would have honestly sat there all day watching me, but the most important thing was..he still said it.

I mope over to my Dad, extremely disheartened by my performance and the fact that I couldn't crack the code on what my problem was. Despite my Dad trying to help me and give me tips for the last hour and a half, nothing clicked. He took one look at me and without missing a beat uttered so very calmly "Do you want to go home? We can go home right now if you want to." Feeling upset and almost disrespected I looked at my Dad and with my newly acquired angst, I sarcastically went "NO, I don't want to go home." and walked away and grabbed my ball and probably nailed a 3 on my next roll.

But that line by my father rolled (Nailed it. Next) around in my head for the rest of that day. I ended up getting a career high the next game with a 168 and as I finished my final frame of the day, I looked at my Dad all excited and he just had this stupid, dumb, "I knew what I was doing the entire time" smirk on his face. That's really what it was all along though, he knew I didn't want to go home. He knew I wanted to be there competing more than anyone else and all he was trying to do was rile me up...and boy did he ever.

The best part about that line is that I now use it on myself. I'll be struggling in softball, work, anything to do with life and I'll pause and think to myself "Do you want to go home? We can go home right now."

It's funny how something so simple, a line solely used to rile up an eleven year old bowler, has still stuck with me thirteen years later. The even FUNNIER part of this entire story is I loveeeee to bring this up to Johnny Doctor every now and then and he still, to this day, tells me that he never remembers saying that to me. The line I consistently use to rile my own self up with has no recollection by its owner.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't questioned myself over the last few months about if I wanted to move back home. You could probably expect that from someone who moved away from home for the first time. I came really close a few times to packing it all up, but whenever it got bad, I'd sit myself down and ask myself the question. I'm sure my Dad would love it if I obeyed and just went home, but I'm sorry, Dad. I don't want to go home right now.

See you soon.

-Benny

For Tracy Lee

It all started on March 22nd, 1993 at 8:15 in the morning in Ansonia, Connecticut. I wouldn’t know it for a couple years but in that moment, I fell in love with you, the first woman I had ever laid my eyes on. You were the most beautiful figure that had ever walked the earth and I was all hers. 

Each day, each month, each year you would selflessly and without hesitation teach me everything there was about life. Make sure I was always healthy, and when I wasn’t, would be standing right next to my side rubbing my back. I remember back to Valentine’s Day two years ago, I had a date with a girl and I ended up getting extremely sick and came home with the worst flu like symptoms I’ve ever faced in my entire life. I spent that Valentine’s day night (that's weird to say) with my Day 1 love and you never left my side until I was fully healed a couple days later. 

Late night talks about girls, and problems that I thought were going to be the end of me, you did an incredible job showing me that they never had as much steam as I was giving them. That this too shall pass. It always does. 

From our dates in Middle school where we’d go to subway or a diner and a movie, to camping trips where I’d put the floor mat in the shower by accident and flood the entire bathroom, your love has never teetered. Oh, and how could I ever possibly forget to mention the first time I ever beat your ass in Scrabble!? I won't lie though...I honestly thought about purposely leaving out how lethal you are in checkers but even my ego can't refrain from telling everyone just how damn good you are and I thank you for never giving in and letting me win...not even once. 

For the last 15 years on this day, I’d wakeup and do the same routine, *check the clock* “ugh its 9am." for Rego’s thats early. I'd hop in the shower, get dressed and then I’d get a ride to Glen Terrace. I’ll still never forget the day I heard they went out of business and my heart sank as I thought “But…that’s where I go every year for the best flowers…what am I going to do now!? I have to get her the best flowers!” as if that was the only place I could possibly go. Good thing Paradise Nursery never ever let me down with the best hanging flowers on this side of the Mississippi. 

Unfortunately, it’s impossible for me to go to Glen Terrace now, and seeing as I’m now 700+ miles away from home, Paradise Nursery is unfortunately out of range as well, but one thing that will never be out of range is my ever lasting love for you. 

You are my first love, you are my truest, purest love, and if I’m ever lucky enough to find another woman to rival that love, she will never ever surpass it. Enjoy your day, you have earned it three times over.

I have loved you ever since I opened my eyes at 8:15 that morning, Mom.

-Benny