Today is the day. It’s currently December 9th, 2015 at 11:56 pm. Just made it.
Today is the day, I tell you. But you probably won’t hear about this until the summer.
This has been the worst year of my entire life. No exaggeration. I entered the year getting over a broken heart, that was continued by me being let go at a job for where they “didn’t think I had the personality to mesh with my other coworkers.” When I foolishly thought that might be the last of my struggles, my world came to a crashing halt in April, we’ll leave it at that. Now I find myself counting down until January 1st hits and I leave 2015 the same way I entered it, heartbroken.
In the words of Eric Church “I’m having a record year."
In February, I ran back to the YMCA where I had worked prior to being let go. It was incredibly embarrassing to already be back there just months after leaving them for “bigger and better things". I was so embarrassed that I tried to just stick to myself for the first couple weeks, which if you know me, that’s not me. I didn’t want anyone to question me. I had never failed on a level that bad in my entire life.
I thought I’ve hit rock bottom in the past, but man did I really land face first in it this time.
However, in rock bottom something began inside me, a fire was engulfed inside me. My peers couldn’t help me, most didn’t offer which was great because I couldn’t take someone telling me all the bullshit you’re supposed to hear. “You’re better off without her” “They don’t deserve you working for them” “You’re awesome and you know it, man.” It's all bullshit. It’s the bare minimum. It’s childish. That stuff works when you get dumped by your first girlfriend in middle school. It works when you get fired from Dairy Queen because you dropped someones food too many times. It doesn’t work when you’re a grown ass adult.
I decided by myself one night that I was going to go to therapy. Mainly because I watched Good Will Hunting too many times and thought I would just immediately find my Robin Williams. My person who would change my entire life, tell me “I’m a scared shitless little kid” tell me “It’s not your fault” over and over again until I broke. I just needed someone to explain what I was feeling and to try and help me control my emotions because I couldn't anymore. They consumed me. They’d flow out of me like a dam broke. I stepped into therapy and it did absolutely nothing for me. I went to 4 sessions and lost a lot of money. I couldn't understand if this woman was telling me this stuff because it’s what she needed to tell me, or if it was a ploy to keep my cashcash flowing. Or maybe she even really meant this stuff. Everything she was telling me was everything I would battle myself on at 3am that morning while thoughts rifled through my head. I had no idea how to read this woman’s comments to me, it was like I was Leonardo Dicaprio in Inception just watching my top spin and waiting for it to cease. Waiting for myself to wake up and realize everything was okay. The top never ceased.
The funny thing is, the fact that everything wasn’t okay eventually led me to the biggest decision of my life. This decision.
I lost who I was, I wasn’t happy with anything, I pushed everyone away. I went to work and I decided I was going to prove everybody wrong which quickly became my motto from there on out. I was out to prove every single person that had ever known me, heard of me, seen me, doubted me, wrong.
I worked my goddamn ass off. Day in, day out, as many hours as they’d let me. Project after project being completed until it eventually grabbed the attention of my boss, my director, and people at the corporate offices. I was on the fast track to success, I was shaking all the right hands and attending all the right meetings, dinners, conference calls, everything I was supposed to do.
For the first time in my life I felt proud of what I had become because I did it for myself, by myself.
Newsletter after newsletter being spewed out like a machine, flyers, signs, emails, phone calls, everything was going my way, I couldn't be stopped. No one and I mean NO ONE expected a kid who had never stepped foot in a college class to be able to pick up and run with this type of quality work this quickly.
Summer came and I worked two positions at one time. Part time aquatics director, part time front office staff. I'd come in from teaching lessons in the morning and immediately jump onto the computer. I’d each lunch while making the perfect newsletter and then when the work day was over I’d speed to my baseball team’s game or practice. If I was lucky enough to get to a few of my softball games here and there, I’d do that as well. I was doing more than I had to but that’s how you succeed.
But then it hit me. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but it happened. I was no longer working for me. I was no longer working to prove people wrong. I was no longer living for myself. I got content and I was just doing what was asked of me. I never complained once, I gave everything I had and that was my problem. All my life I’ve been giving. Whether it was in sports, or work or most definitely relationships, I give until I have nothing left and then when everything goes to shit, I’m drained. I have nothing left in me. The person, sport, work place leaves my life with everything I put into it and I’m left to rebuild time after time.
I’ve lived my entire life in Hamden. I was born in Ansonia but at the age of one, you don’t retain any of those memories so all I’ve ever known is Hamden and this little white house on Willard St. It’s the only house I’ve ever called home. It’s the only place I wanted to be in for all these years. It was my safe haven. I’ve met so many people of all ages in this town, I’ve met the greatest of people, I’ve met the worst of people, I’ve met people who know everything about me, and I’ve met people who don’t even know a lick about me, but if you ask them they’ll tell you “everything you need to know about me”.
This year I’ve realized that I’ve outgrown my roots, I’ve outgrown these restaurants and bars and schools and jobs. I’ve given you everything I've had, Hamden. Every ounce of everything and anything I could give you. I’m drained now. It’s time for me to rebuild. It’s my turn.
I'm ready to prove everyone wrong again.
On August 21st, I will be leaving Hamden for a new adventure. This won’t be my first time leaving Hamden, for I have left for vacations and road trips and getaways and all that great stuff. But this is not one of those times. I will not be returning after a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months. This adventure involves a new job, a new home, and eventually, my first footsteps into a college class.
On that sunday in August, I start over fresh, and I start the rest of my life. I begin again.
On to South Carolina.
No comments:
Post a Comment